10 Questions You Can Ask This Adoptive Parent

Recently, I have seen the internet flooded with articles and blogs written by adoptive parents and families who are struggling to find their footing as they adjust to a new normal which often includes a deep sense of loneliness and isolation.  The unique griefs and struggles of parenting kids from hard places can be difficult to articulate which fosters misunderstanding and isolation when what we parents need most is empathy and connection.   Many of those blogs resonate deep with me, and have spoken comfort and solidarity over my own soul.  My Facebook page is littered with links and articles I've shared in an effort to encourage others who are deep in the trenches.  I've even written a few myself in an effort to provide a glimpse into our world...forge connection and understanding.

However, something makes me a little uncomfortable about the tone of some of the articles out there.  At the risk of offending my own tribe, I am writing this blog as a bit of a push back.  It is not uncommon to read an article or blog entitled something along the lines of, "Top Ten Annoying Things People Say to an Adoptive Parent"  or  "10 Questions Adoptive Parents are Sick of Answering".  The first few times I read a list like this my gut level response was, "Yes!  Finally, someone is saying what needs to be said!"  When you are in a lonely place there is immediate camaraderie and such a sense of fellowship when someone speaks your heart so clearly.   Adoptive parents often feel on the outside, so this kind of mindset can be especially satisfying.   I get it.  I really do!  There is safety in the 'club', a sense of belonging.  You know...the elite few who get it...and you are one of them.

But as more and more of these articles come out, I am becoming increasingly aware of an uncomfortable inflection that sounds just beneath the surface of the words.  I am beginning to wonder if these words are perpetuating division and separation instead of creating space for understanding and empathy.   I mean, I remember what is was like before we adopted, before I really understood and how easily I might have asked those same questions or made some of those same comments.  In fact, I cringe to think of the many stupid things I have said to people in a variety of challenging circumstances.  The flavor of my foot is well known to my mouth.  I have a gift here, people.  

I began to think about the truth that there are a million kinds of grief in this hard, fallen world we inhabit  And until our King comes and sets things right, above all, I want to be a part of creating empathy and genuine intimacy that brings Him glory as His people become One.

So in this vein, here are 10 questions you can ask this adoptive parent!  I have heard them all before and will welcome them all again!

1.  Where is their 'real' mom?   While I don't love this phrase, I know that what you probably mean is 'biological' mom, and that you are probably not making an attempt to slight me!  Some parents are free to answer this question with more transparency than others.   Every adoptive parent struggles to find the balance between being transparent and protecting our kids and the stories which uniquely belong to them.  In our case, their other real mom is still a part of their life and a part of our family.  This has its own unique struggles, joys, and challenges, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

2.  Are your kids so happy you adopted them?  This is a great opportunity for me to open the door to a conversation about the reality that even in the best of circumstances adoption is hemmed in by trauma and loss.  There is no joy in the destruction of a family by sin or tragedy.  While we can rejoice in God's redemption, provision, and faithfulness to work all things for His good purposes, we still mourn and grieve deeply alongside of our children the loss of His original design -the beautiful family He intended.

3.  How did you know you were 'called' to adoption?  We recently had a great discussion at a women's Bible Study at my church about this whole elusive idea of 'God's call'.  The truth?   I think we are often guilty of missing the forest for the trees here.  While I think God does call us to specific places or purposes in our life, we spend far too much time worrying we might miss some minutiae, while overlooking His much larger and very discernible revelation in Scripture.  The Word is filled with God's manifest call to His people, and one of His most clearly stated directives is to care for the orphan and the widow.    While it might not be everyone's call specifically to adopt, if you are a believer, you ARE called to be involved in this work in some capacity!  Make meals for an adoptive family with too much on their plate.  Offer to tutor a child in school work or teach them a unique skill set.  Offer to babysit to give over extended parents time to breathe and refresh. (We can be your recipient family for any of these ministries, by the way.  You're welcome.  We're just servant hearted like that.)  Mentor or disciple a hurting child.  Volunteer for a foster agency.   Become a child advocate.  There really are abundant ways to respond to YOUR call!

4.  Is it hard having a racially mixed family?  Yes and no.  I will be honest, and say that while this is certainly not the case for everyone,  the answer to this question for me is mostly . . . no.   Our family is made up of a crazy hodgepodge of connections and colors.   The skin tones in this family range from the pasty white toddler to beautiful rich chocolate hues and several shades in between.  This delights me!  We talk openly, and sometimes seriously, in our family about race, culture, and the struggles that come along with living in a multi-cultural family.  And sometimes we joke about it.  My beautiful, mixed (and incidentally, biological) daughter once shared that she and another mixed boy at school used to call themselves "Halfricans".  Sometimes they would link arms and proclaim that together they made a whole African.  Some may find that offensive, and in no way do we ever mean to diminish the harmful affects and realities of racism that still plague our world today.  There have been hard moments.  Sometimes our kids are faced with questions that hurt them or are difficult to answer.   Still, we find much joy and beauty in the diversity, even amidst the challenges.

5.  How much did it/they cost? Or the flip question:  Do you get paid to have them?  Okay, I am not going to lie.  I hope you won't ever phrase this question in such a way that presents adoption as a way to 'buy'  or get paid for a child.  However, giving you the benefit of the doubt, I'd love to share about the process, what is entailed, etc.  We only have experience with adopting through foster care which is very different than overseas adoption...but I will gladly offer any insight I can if you are curious, or even better, considering this path!

6.  What's their story/history?  See number one. :)

7.  Did you hear about the horrors of  so and so's adoption story?  Trust me, I've heard a hundred horror stories.  What a great open door to talk about God's clear directive for us to lay down our lives that others might know Him.  I cannot think of a greater opportunity for discipleship than through adoption and parenting!  Comfort and safety have never been the believer's first consideration as they make decisions.  Obedience is.

8.  Is she/are they normal?  I have no idea or context for the word normal.  Nothing about our family is or has ever been "normal", and we love every bit of that!

9.  Would you do it again if you could go back?  Unequivocally, emphatically, YES.  Every hard, beautiful messy moment has been a harbinger of God's grace, mercy and redemption.  I have, through this process, become more passionate about calling the church to seek out solutions and provide support to keep families in tact whenever possible.   Foster care and orphanages only amplify exponentially the initial trauma these kids have already experienced.    I have come to believe that there is no greater way we could serve or care for the at-risk children in our communities and around the world.  What better way to serve the orphan than to ensure that fewer children are orphaned?!   However, apart from this process, my eyes would never have been opened to this reality.  Funny how God works that way.  Incidentally, if you are interested in more information about how you or your church could be involved in that mission, you should look into:  Safe Families or Illini Christian Ministries.   Two amazing organizations who are accomplishing huge Kingdom work in that direction!

10.  Honestly?  Ask me anything you want! My deep desire is to be as honest as possible about this journey...both the crazy joys and deepest hards.  Adoption is hard.  Grief and loss in all of their forms are hard.   There are a million things NOT to say to the broken hearted who have lost a parent, a spouse, a child, to the woman who is desperately grieving a miscarriage or the ability to conceive at all, to the family who has been devastated by divorce,  abuse,  addiction. The truth is, we live in broken, fallen world and sometimes the best we can do is to show each other mercy and grace. Assume the best.  Give the benefit of the doubt.  Pray for all wisdom and compassion  as we shine the light of the Gospel into the darkness.  Ask questions.  Brave honesty and vulnerability.  Risk relationship.  Love is always, always, ALWAYS worth the risk.