Connected

We are forgetting how to connect with each other.  My family, that is.

I mean everyone, really. . .but when we are sitting in the living room, all of us together and close, heads bent over glowing screens, near enough to touch but in completely different worlds, that is where it makes my heart pause.

Lately, in our house, I have noticed more and more of this.  More and more disconnect.  Now, I am not anti-technology, or even anti social media.  I realize it is here to stay, and I think it can be a phenomenal tool.   The Ranch has benefited greatly from social networking online, and as a chronic Facebook over-sharer, I am personally enslaved to fond of keeping up with friends and sharing photos of the kids with Grandma and Grandpa online.

Still, I wonder how many deep, heart conversations I have missed out on with my kids because they were, or I was, too engrossed in a news feed or whatever is trending on Twitter.  I wonder how many moments I have brushed off one of the Littles without even realizing it and I won't even approach the reality of how much time I could be spending in the Word and in prayer if I shut down my phone and spent half of the time on the internet. . .

But that's another blog, and one that has been written times over. . .because, well, we are all feeling this overloaded, over stimulated, over connected disconnect in our lives.

So, Stephen and I are taking some steps to battle this.  Rather than changing the wi-fi password (which we strongly considered and may still revert to), one of the things we are doing is to simply challenge our kids, and ourselves, to choose to connect.  To put some flesh on this, we came up with a list of 40 ways they might do that and challenged them to choose at least 3 things off of that list a week.  (I thought it should be 5, but Steve always says I'm excessive.  Go figure.)  Some of these are simple and take only a moment.  Some require a bit of effort and preparation.  I pray all of them will nurture the face to face, real life, soul filling connection that our over-saturated lives are starving for!

Here is our list:
(In our family with so many kids and such a wide age-range, the youngest four - ranging in age from 3-11) have bee affectionately dubbed the Littles.  Much of this list reflects our desire for our older kids (the Bigs) to pour into the lives of their younger siblings.)

1.  Do Sunday School homework with the Littles.

2.  Crochet with them

3.  Play a game with someone(s)

4.  Do a craft with the girls

5.  Read a book with the Littles

6.  Paint the little girl's finger and toenails

7.  Invite someone(s) to go for a walk

8.  Ask someone about their day, and then really listen to their answer

9.  Play an instrument with one of the Littles

10.  Help with homework, or quiz them on math facts or sight words

11.  Leave your phone in your room for 1 hour

12.  Ask someone to go ride (do this for the Littles or with someone else)

13. Build a fire and make hot chocolate for the family

14. Bake cookies or invite one of the Littles to cook with you

15. Take someone(s) out for coffee or ice cream.  (Hint:  We'd probably pay)

15. Plan a date night with someone in the family

16. Have a photo shoot with the Littles

17. Make goofy videos with the Littles

18. Spend  2 minutes listening intently to whatever someone wants to talk about

19. Spend 2 minutes sharing about your day with someone

20. Whatch a "What's in the Bible" video with the Littles then discuss it with them

21. Color with a Little

22. Write a note of encouragement for someone in the family

23. Help a Little write a note to someone and mail it

24. Call a grandparent just to chat

25. Take a Little to visit a grandparent

26. Offer to do an extra chore, or simply do something extra that you see needs done.

27. Offer to do someone else's chore for them or with them

28. Jump on the trampoline with the Littles for half an hour

29. Paint a picture with a Little

30. Read the Bible with a Little

31. Hug someone

32. Tell someone something you appreciate about them

33. Build a fort with the Littles (and clean it up)

34. Practice spelling with the Littles with Scrabble tiles

35. Build Legos with a Little

36. Trim their toenails (this was Dad's idea)

37. Do a puzzle with someone(s)

38. Grab a Little and commit a random act of kindness together

39. Stargaze with someone

40. Initiate a pillow fight

Also, the irony of sharing about this issue via a blog is never lost on me.  Baby steps! 

What about you?  I'd love to hear your ideas to add to the list!?  What creative efforts do you and your family employ to combat this in your home?  

For Every Moment . . .

Stephen,

Thank you.

For the way God used you to bridge the gap in our life, thank you.

For pointing to Him when I can't see, thank you.

For loving others where I am critical,

For leading when I am overwhelmed,

For loving me through every one of my crazy, emotional ups and downs, thank you.

For being the dad who takes the kids on errands, and changes diapers, and does bed time routine, and Sunday School homework and Bible time, thank you.

For coaching the kid's basketball and softball and being the one who dances for show choir, thank you.

For running to the store at 10:00 at night because we forgot diapers, coffee, cream, Children's Motrin, toilette paper, poster board for the science project due tomorrow, or any one of a million other things, thank you.

For holding me when I cry and for not holding me so I could  cry,

For every time you have not kissed me on the forehead,

For riding out the storm,

For always being on my side, thank you.

For the amazing facial hair   Ummmm. . .No.

For the way you always see the best in people, thank you.

For your heart for the hurting,

For saying yes to four kids who needed us, thank you.

For your desire to be generous and love others, sometimes to the point of naivete, thank you.

For putting up with "Gilmore Girls" marathons, thank you

For cleaning up puke,

For tackling mountains of laundry,

For letting me have dinner with the girls, even when life is crazy, thank you.

For seeking to live a life of simplicity that we can give more, thank you.

For letting me explore my crazy whims, thank you.

For literally working harder than anyone I have ever known, thank you.

For your repeated grace when we have to turn around because I forgot my phone, purse, driver's license, or child, thank you.

For listening to me drone on and on about my latest obsession, thank you.

For having the patience and nerves to teach our kids to drive, thank you.

For taking the trash out and remembering milk and eggs and coffee,

For tucking in and night time prayer and bed time kisses and laughter,

For calling when I didn't want to, thank you.

For driving across the country with me, to Canada and Florida, North Carolina and Tennessee and Colorado because I am terrified of flying, thank you.

For reading Psalms to me on the phone for an hour after I watched a scary movie,

For all the times you've woken up in the middle of the night to hold me after a nightmare, thank you.

For being the kind of dad that sets the standard for our future son in law,

For being a living example of hard work, integrity and stewardship for our sons, thank you.

For running out of the house in your underwear and talking to the cop to find out if we were safe, even though you were still in your underwear, thank you.

For wrestling with the hard things,

For not giving up on us, even when it has seemed hopeless,

For being my anchor and home base,

For every moment of the last 15 years,

Thank you.

For being the most amazing gift that God has given us. . . we love you beyond words.

Happy Father's Day . . .to God's best for us.

Ordinary Sacred

Prayers from the mountain. . .

Sitting in the foothills of the Cascade mountains in beautiful, central Oregon.  Faith is so much easier here in places like these where Your beauty is loud and splashes across the sky in snow capped granite and vast untouched expanse.  The heavy scent of evergreen and the sound of all creation living and breathing praise drowns out the deafening mundane of every day.  I want to see You and hear You like this always.

Give my heart eyes to find this steadfast and unyielding beauty in the mountain of dirty clothes strew across the laundry room floor.  In manure and shavings and garden weeds.  In the deepest parts of me I know that You are as present - maybe even more - in sinks full of dirty dishes and in the sticky fists and mournful wails of an overtired toddler.

This quiet, mundane, every day is the holy place where strength is forged and faithfulness is lived.

Let me know Your beauty here. Fill me with the nearness of Your presence in the sacred of every ordinary moment.  There is no other time to be faithful - no other day to yield my heart in joyful surrender.  There is only now.   And it is beautiful.

Much

Sunday morning a friend posted a link to this blog, which calls to light the imminent execution of 33 Christians in North Korea at the order of dictator Kim Jong-un.  These believers are reportedly being sentenced to execution for their work to birth nearly 500 underground churches in North Korea.

While I was sitting on my couch, curled up under a blanket and drinking a cup of coffee, lamenting daylight savings time and the loss of an hour of sleep, this.  This was happening.  33 of my brothers and sisters, literally facing death for their faith.

No.

Not for their faith alone, for faith without works is dead.  But for their passionate, all-in, willing to lay down their life in the most literal sense, all consuming devotion to share the gospel.  That others would know freedom, know salvation, know Life.  They have become obedient, even to death.  Conformed to the image of Christ in ways that I cannot even comprehend.  And I cannot shake this.

As I got ready for church, I could not shake it.  As I sat in my comfortable pew, singing familiar songs, I thought about moments I'd whispered lyrics with reverence and awe, and way too many moments I'd sung rehearsed words with much too much familiarity and apathy.  And I could not shake it.

We went out to lunch with some of our beloved church family (a rare treat for us since our family has expanded) and we came back together in the evening for more fellowship and study and play and the more I enjoy all of the blessing, the more I cannot shake it and I wonder.  Is it really blessing?  I mean it is.  But what does it mean?  All of this incredibly lavish poured out on me.  Am I called to simply be grateful and live life enjoying the extravagant much I have been given?  And all day long, I just couldn't shake it.  And softly, the Spirit whispered the Word to my heart:

Peter asked, "Lord, are you telling this parable to us, or to everyone?"   

(Peter wanted to know if he was off the hook.  Don't we all?!)

The Lord answered, "Who then is the faithful and wise manager, whom the master puts in charge of his servants to give them their food allowance at the proper time?  It will be good for that servant whom the master finds doing so when he returns.  Truly I tell you, he will put him in charge of all his possessions.  But suppose the servant says to himself, 'My master is taking a long time in coming,' and he then begins to beat the other servants, both men and women, and to eat and drink and get drunk.  The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of.  He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers.

The servant who knows the master's will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows.  But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows.  From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."     

Luke 12:41-48

Do we get what these verses mean?  Do we understand. . .really down to our toes. . .that we.  We. We are the ones with much.  Much everything.

Much time.  We have more time than any of us know what to do with.  I know, I know.  We are all so busy it makes our head spin.  But what are we doing?  We spend very little time on anything devoted to our actual survival.  While much of the world still spends their days working hard labor simply to live, we have mastered the art of luxury.  To the degree that we can no longer even discern where the line is between necessity and excess.  Where does our time go?  I know that I am constantly complaining/bragging/lamenting how busy my life is, but I can promise you that if someone made public the amount of time I spend on Facebook, I would probably crawl under a rock in shame.  I want to serve.  I want to get on my face and pray for the persecuted church and for my friends and family who don't know Christ.  I want to disciple my kids and invest in real relationships that satisfy the soul and impact eternity.  There are so many time suckers in my life that I allow to distract me from doing anything that means anything.

Much money.  Yep.  That's us.  I know, a lot of us are sick of hearing this.  But are we hearing this?  You've heard the stats.  Much of the world lives on $2.00 a day.  Two dollars a day.  I am not going to hammer this point because so many others already are and because we know in our core that it is true.  We. Have. Too. Much.  The simple reality is that we, in this country.  Us.  We have the financial potential to spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.  To provide Bibles and food and medical supplies and missionaries to the very least of these. We debate whether we should start at home, or send our resources to the poorest of the poor around the world.  The answer is yes.  I know that the issues are complicated - that just sending money doesn't fix everything and sometimes even makes things worse.  But it is time to stop hiding behind this excuse.  There are brilliant people out there who have addressed this and are offering wonderful, wholistic, thoughtful, workable solutions, but we have to act.  Rise up, Church!  Scripture is clear.  We are given much so that we can give much.

Much access to Scripture.  We all have extra Bibles idling on shelves ,in drawers, under beds.  At our finger tips we have access to endless resources.  Blogs, books, Greek and Hebrew dictionaries and lexicons.  Commentaries and sermons.  More than any generation before us, this information is available not just to the elite and highly educated - but to every day people.  You.  Me.  My fear is that we have become so saturated that the incredible, life giving Word of God has become common to us.  Such access have we to Scripture and biblical teaching and resources that our churches should be overflowing with strong, mature, meat eating believers living lives marked by joy, sacrificial service and radical giving.  If tomorrow, the government ordered it illegal to read the Bible and came in and stripped your home and church of every copy, how much of that precious, living and active Word would be hidden in our hearts?  We cannot say we didn't know, didn't have opportunity, for our lives overflow with access to both.

Much freedom.  Freedom to worship, to share our faith, to live openly as believers in the glorious Lord Jesus Christ! Is it true that some of those freedoms are under attack?  Probably.  But in light of the kind of persecution happening around the world I hardly think we can see ourselves as oppressed.  What are we doing with our freedom?  While brothers and sisters around the world literally risk being disowned by their families, thrown in prison, tortured, and killed, we call it persecution when private business owners instruct their employees to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.  I think it is time for some perspective.

The believers in North Korea risked their earthly lives to share the freedom and Life they had found in Christ.  They planted nearly 500 underground churches, and I am often scared to share my faith because someone might think I am weird.  Sometimes I don't want to share because I don't want to be associated with many of the stereotypes and stigmas associated with Christians (and let's be honest, we've fairly earned some of these.)  But if I really believe. . .really believe. . .down to the core of who I am that there is a world full of people created in His image, precious to Him, dying in their sin and captivity, how dare I keep my faith to myself.  There is nothing more important for me on this earth than to obey His direct command to go and make disciples.  It is my calling, my purpose.  It should be the driving motivation and context for everything I do.  Every word, every action, every decision should take this one, life consuming goal into consideration - beginning with a desire to draw my family to Him - but rippling into every compartment of my life and every person I may be given the divine opportunity to touch.  What are we doing with our freedom?

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded."

Please hear that this selfish, comfort addicted, Facebook saturated, time wasting, witness fearing girl is preaching to herself.  I needed to hear this.  Need to remember this.  Over and over.  Maybe you too?  Oh how these verses should cause us some serious reflection.  The question isn't whether or not we have much.  That debate is old and worn out.  The question is what are we doing with our much?

The Word Planted

Okay, I was not going to write this particular blog.  Well, I was, and then I wasn't, but now I am.  I just can't stand it anymore!

 I MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE BOOK OF JAMES!!!!!!!!!!

Whew!  There.  I said it.  I have been dying to share this with everyone I know since the day I committed the last verse to memory, but the fear of sounding as if I am boasting has kept me from doing so.  But I just cannot stand it anymore.  I had to share.  You need to know about this!  Everyone needs to know about this.  Why don't we know about this?  Or maybe we do and we are just not doing it.  Or maybe every one is doing it and I just don't know.   But if we really knew we would ALL BE DOING THIS!

Seriously, I could weep I so desperately want every person breathing to know this as it has become true to me over the course of the last year.  Oh yeah, did I mention it took me the better part of an entire year? Last fall, the ladies at my church began "Mercy Triumphs",  Beth Moore's newest study on James.  At the beginning of the study, she suggests several different levels of participation to choose from.  These culminated with a final challenge:  Memorize the. Entire. Book. Of. James. Ummm???  I am pretty sure most of us were thinking the same thing, myself included.  "Ain't nobody got time for that!"  Preachers and women who write Bible studies for a living, but not the rest of us with jobs and lives and seven kids for the love!

But then, right there on the screen in front of us she recited the entire book from memory.  As I sat there and listened to the words pour out of her mouth, something stirred in my heart and belly.  There was something so right about listening to the whole thing in one sitting.  It took on such fresh life and meaning for me I wanted to jump out of the pew and cheer when she was done.  Instead, I glanced around to make sure no one was looking as I stealthily put a check mark in the box that committed me to memorizing the book along with completing the study. I mean, it wasn't like I was really going to memorize the entire book of James, although it was a nice thought.  But it was cool to listen to her recite it, and hey, if it only motivated me to memorize a chapter or even a few verses, that was a good thing, right?

So I just started.  And here is the thing about James, in that very first chapter, he hammers us with the truth that the Word must be planted in us, saving us, otherwise we are at risk of becoming people who merely listen to the Word and so deceive ourselves.  Like people who look at their face in the mirror, and after looking themselves immediately go away and forget what they look like.  As I began to sow those words in my heart, I started to think about how much of my Christian walk I had spent in utter frustration.  Feeling like I would worship with my church on Sunday and come away filled up with the Word and walking in fresh conviction to live this thing out.  However, by Tuesday or Wednesday, that fire was already fading fast, and often by Saturday, I felt as dry as a desert again. Living by the flesh and not by the Spirit.  Not always, but often, my morning quiet time with the Lord was flat and lifeless.  I would remind myself that this was just how it worked.  That in the times I couldn't feel it, I was called to simply be faithful and push through.  While I think there is truth in that, far more often than I cared to admit, I sat down for that time out of  a sense of obligation rather than genuine desire and anticipation for an intimate encounter with Christ..

As I memorized however, that began to change.  There is something different about memorizing a large chunk of Scripture that I had never experienced.  As I repeated the words over and over and over . . .and over and over. . .and over. . . they became a part of me in an intensely profound way.  I found myself thinking about them and turning them over in my mind.  Sometimes I would stop in the middle of my daily activity to work on the next portion.  My appetite for the Word grew with every verse that I committed to memory.  My daily recitation as I practiced the verses began to morph into a powerful time of prayer, my heart pouring God's Word back out to Him.  I had tried praying the Word before and had always loved the practice, but it had never felt so natural and intimate.  Scripture took on life in such a way that I can hardly describe it!   As close as breath - convicting, encouraging, comforting, and filling me with such JOY!

Here is the thing. . . we already know this, right!?

     ". . .humbly accept the word planted in you which can save you."  James 1:21

     "Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom. . . "       Colossians 3:16

    "Pay attention to what I say.  Listen closely to my words.  Do not let them out of your sight.  Keep them       in your heart because they are life to those who find them."  Proverbs 4:20

     "I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you"  Psalm 119:11

     "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds" Deuteronomy 11:18

     "Bind them upon your heart forever, fasten them around your neck.  When you walk they will
     guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they will speak to you."
     Proverbs 6:22

And there are so many more.  The Word of God is meant to inhabit us.  It was entrusted to a people who did not have access to printing presses and the internet.  Who did not have bookshelves filled with NKJ and NIV and NASB and ESV.  If they wanted to meditate on God's word day and night, their only option was to engrave it on their hearts.  I think we instinctively know this truth but somewhere along the way we have lost the understanding that this is not a simple, spiritual discipline to teach our kids.  This is not about words on a page. Our very access to intimacy with the Word Himself hangs in the balance.  Our ability to resist the Enemy and stand firm.  These Words are our offense and our defense.  Sword and shield.  Living Bread and Water and Life itself!  But we are not consuming it, eating the sweeter than honey words so that they are filling up our bellies and hearts and minds.  We are like starving people sitting at a table laden with plates full of the richest food, desperately hoping it will nourish us, yet so frustrated when we remain weak and hungry - unwilling, or maybe unaware that we have to pick up the fork and eat.

Listen, I know what you're thinking.  But I am telling you, if I,with the attention span and self-discipline of a gnat, can do this ANYONE can do this.  You have to do this.   Pick your favorite translation, pick a verse, a chapter, a book,  and just start.  Several times over the course of the year, especially when the actual Bible study had ended, life would get busy and my motivation would wane, but a dear friend who was also memorizing the book would spur me on (and may or may not have tweaked my very slightly competitive nature).  Find someone to memorize with you, who will push you.  But just do it.  I PROMISE you that it will change your life.   I promise, however busy you are, that you will never regret one second of the time you spend sowing the Word in your heart.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the water; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!  Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.  Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy?  Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare"    Isaiah 55:1,2

Every one of us is invited to the feast.  Eat and be filled!


P.S  -  Philippians is next.  I would love for you to comment if you want to join me.  We can spur each other on!

All In

Fall is, by far, my favorite season!  I love everything about it.  The smell of smoke hanging in the air from bonfires, bright green grass colored with puddles of red and gold leaves, perfect weather for sweatshirts, boots and coffee.  It means a reprieve from the heat of summer, the best days for trail rides and the promise of refreshing to come over the winter months.  It is also a time of reflection as we wrap up another season of ministry.   Considering what God has done over the last 6 years on this insignificant little piece of Illinois flatland is humbling to say the least.  What began as an offering of a few acres and a couple of horses to the Lord has grown into a vibrant community of people working, serving, playing and seeking after Christ together.  The Ranch has encountered a variety of challenges alongside significant growth in the last 6 years, but in every moment our deepest desire has been that Christ would be made known through the volunteers, the horses, even the beauty of the property itself.

One of my greatest joys in serving at the Ranch is how aware I have become of the changing seasons and the cyclical patterns found in nature.  Spring, summer and fall bring with them a great deal of hard work as our horses, staff and volunteers seek to pour themselves out for the kids and the families who have become a part of Refuge.  Winter brings a much needed time of rest and refreshing for everyone.  Often by the end of October, as we are wrapping up our season of work, I am beginning to feel overwhelmed, fatigued and even burned out.  However, in the midst of that is the knowledge that a season of rest is coming.  I know that by the time we are approaching the threshold of Spring I will be looking forward to the new season with great anticipation and excitement.

This year began no differently.  We launched the season with much excitement for what the Lord had in store.  We felt incredibly blessed to be able to add another staff position and we rejoiced as the number of kids in our mentoring program grew.  We celebrated what the Lord is doing at other Ranches across the Midwest at our annual Ranch Fellowship and we prayed with great expectation forbroken lives to collide at this place with His extravagant grace and mercy.

This year, however, in the midst of the typical bustle of the Ranch our personal lives took some twists and turns.  Our family has been talking about adoption and foster care for a very long time.  Too long, in fact.   From the very beginning of our marriage, and for the dozen or so years that followed, we talked and agreed as a family that the Lord was drawing us toward this path.  For years we discussed it, we prayed about it, and we wrestledwith timing and the fear of letting go of our comfortable, familiar lives. However, in the summer of 2012 God did some radical things in our family and we found ourselves faced with a challenging question:  Were we going to take a step of faith and be obedient to His call or were we going to continue to make a multitude of (very reasonable sounding) excuses and sidestep the path that He had been persistently 

laying before us?  We chose obedience!   (Better late than never?) And so began one of the most incredible, thrilling, terrifying, faith-building roller coaster rides of our life.

As we began the process we struggled with the idea of  adding so much to what already felt like very full plates, and wise friends counseled us to consider this carefully.  However, we were also excited for the unique resources that would be so readily available to us.  We knew that having the Ranch in our backyard would allow our family and kiddos unique access to the wonderful, Christ-filled community that has taken root here.  What a tremendous asset!  We realized that it was going to be overwhelming at times, but we also trusted with all of our hearts that when we are weak, He is strong.  

And so with much joy, anticipation, and trembling, we began the process:  classes and interviews and enough paperwork to take out an entire forest.  We felt led to open our home to whatever child the Lord would bring us, or perhaps a pair of siblings.  We were prepared to either foster children who had a strong hope for being reunited with their birth families or to go further still and throw wide our hearts and lives to the possibility of adoption.  What we never anticipated was that He would bring us a group of four amazing, resilient, brave, precocious siblings that would stretch our family in every way possible. 

Over night our cozy, little nest of three would grow to seven. Nine of us  sharing one roof.   In a whirlwind of activity we did our best to  ready our home and hearts for what was to come.  Bunk beds and mattresses and organizers to try and stretch the capacity of our tiny closets to impossible proportions.  Bedding, extra towels and dishes, and much, much, prayer.  We were humbled by the outpouring of love and support from our incredible family in Christ.  This process has so deepened my understanding of our need for the church during the times we are stretched beyond our own limits.  Those first weeks are a blur to me.  I remember joy and the thrill of new adventure.  I also remember exhaustion and sitting on my bathroom floor—a sobbing, overwhelmed mess—wondering if we were ever going to figure it out or find a new rhythm as a family.  Precious friends encouraged me and reminded me that His grace was sufficient.  Others prayed and brought us meals.  Some just listened to me cry.  Every word and gesture was a crucial lifeline. . .a tangible reminder of His mercy and provision. 

Over the coming months the kids began to settle in.  Courageous little warriors fighting to find their own rhythm amidst so much change and trauma and loss.  The Ranch, or more specifically, the community here, did prove to be a tremendous blessing.  Our new kiddos connected immediately with our staff and some of the volunteers and Ranch kids.  All of the them were infatuated with  the horses, however Sammy, the oldest of the bunch, fell head over heels in love with everything about them, including barn chores, praise the Lord!

Even so, I had begun to question whether or not we could, or should, continue the Ranch ministry.  I was utterly overwhelmed with trying to juggle my responsibilities at the Ranch alongside my clumsy efforts to make such a large family run smoothly.  More often than not, my house was in shambles, phone messages and emails went unanswered, ranch administrative tasks went undone and we won’t even talk about the panic I felt every time I looked at Mt. Laundry.  Stephen too was struggling with all that he had to shoulder in addition to his lovely, over-emotional, basket case of a wife.  I did my best to press into the Lord.  Some days I succeeded.  Other days were failures of epic proportion as I gave myself over to wallowing fits of self-pity.  “Surely,” I thought, “the Lord does not want us to continue like this.  This is not what He intended.”  Perhaps we had simply been called to the Ranch for a season and it was time to move on. 

As I trudged forward I often allowed my thoughts to park on my struggles and failures—both with the Ranch and in my difficulty adjusting to our new life, and in doing so I gave the enemy much purchase in the battlefield of my mind.  There is nothing Satan likes better than the stronghold of insecurity which can so easily render even believers useless for the Kingdom!   I began to seriously doubt, not only my ability to handle Ranch responsibilities, but the effectiveness of Refuge as a whole in sharing the hope of Christ.  Were we even accomplishing anything for the Kingdom?

However, even as I wrestled with all of this, desperate for reprieve, longing for life to be easy again, my heart continued to return to the same resting place:   I could live with busy.  I was willing to deal with overwhelmed.  I was desperate to lay my life down for the sake of anything Christ was calling me to.  But I had no desire to spin my wheels or run myself ragged for anything less than that.  Even amidst all of the noise and chaos, I knew the only question that mattered was whether or not He was asking us to be faithful in the context of the Ranch.  The fruit was not my responsibility.  That belongs to Him alone. 

With newly surrendered hearts and unclenched hands, Stephen and I began to seek God’s will.  We prayed earnestly, genuinely willing to give up this ministry which we had both grown to love, or equally willing to dig in and spend ourselves if this was where He wanted us.   I sought counsel from Godly friends and delved into the Word, allowing my heart and all of my painful insecurities to be laid bare before the only One who is enough to fill that ugly, cavernous void.  Slowly but surely, my world began to come back into focus through the corrective lens of Scripture.  Inch by inch, clarity and peace reclaimed the places I had surrendered to doubt and insecurity.  

There are still days I find myself locked in the bathroom, mopping tears and wondering what on earth I have gotten myself into, though they are much fewer and farther between.  But in those moments the Spirit whispers precisely that:  This is no earthly thing.  We do not battle flesh and blood.  We are not fighting for earthly kingdoms, but for the things of eternity.  This life is worth spending if one child or family will find Life! For this, I am all in. Every bit of me surrendered so that I may gain Christ!  “For whoever clings to his life shall lose it, and whoever loses His life shall save it.”  (Luke 17:33)  There is nothing worth clinging to except Christ Himself.

As is so often true in the upside down economy of the Kingdom, defeat, sorrow and loss surrendered to Christ become overwhelming victory, joy and eternal gain that cannot be destroyed by moths or rust.  It is in this context that we are wrapping up a sixth season at the Ranch.  Where I usually find myself exhausted and burned out, I am filled even now with joyful anticipation for what is to come!  We are ridiculously excited to announce a partnership with Lake Springfield Christian Assembly for the 2014 camp season.  Refuge was invited and accepted the privilege of serving as camp missionary next year.  As a staff and leadership, we are already dreaming about specific ways that we can more intentionally share the gospel and invest in the spiritual growth of the kids who participate at the Ranch.   And personally, we are finally beginning to find that rhythm as a family.  Not that we have arrived!  Not even close.  But more than ever, the cry of my heart is this: 

     “I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death,and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. 

     Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                  Philippians 3:10-12

The Rhythm of Trust

What a wild ride.  I have always been a bit over the top.  A bit given to emotional swings.  I call it passionate.  Some might call it manic.  I laugh loud.  I play loud.  I get mad loud.  My husband will tell you this is NOT an overstatement.  I have a favorite everything!  Things tend to either be amazing, or awful and I rarely feel anything in between.

There are many things I love about my passionate personality.  I tend to be absurdly impulsive deeply motivated to act when I become convicted or excited about something.  I am fiercely loyal and I feel things- frustration, love, anger, joy, sorrow- bone and soul deep, which for the most part, I consider a good thing.

Oh but there are times, and this is one of them, that I long for a more steady, even keel personality.

I have never been so overwhelmed in my life.  Or so lonely.  You know, the kind of lonely where you are in a crowd full of people and still feel completely alone. The dumb, self pitying, no one else knows what this is like, kind of alone.  But there it is.  Here I am.  The frustrating thing is that so much of the isolation is self imposed.  And I know this.  I am surrounded by people who love me, and who love Jesus, and who I know would probably give me a kidney (don't hate - I have some good community around me) if I needed it. What is it about struggle that tempts us to disengage from the community that we so desperately need and  then taunts us with the lie that we are alone?

Right now, the roller coaster is stalled in a place I don't love:  mourning what has been lost.  I've discovered something interesting about families.  We each have our own family culture.  You know, all of those things that make your family 'home' for you.  Foods we all like to eat, games we like to play, t.v. shows we like to watch together.  There is this comfortable rhythm that comes from having spent most of our lives together.  For the most part we laugh at the same kind of humor, enjoy many of the same activities and just get each other.  I hadn't considered what it might be like for cultures to collide when we added four new people, with their own rhythms and culture - not even taking into account the genuine cultural differences that are inherent in trans-racial fostering/adoption.  The realization that we would need to let go of some of that culture to make space for God to build something new, and the letting go?  It's hard.

This is all so difficult to communicate.  We are asked regularly how the kiddos are doing, how we  are doing.  And the truth really is they are doing GREAT!  Over and over again we have been humbled and amazed by the determination and resilience these kids have exhibited in the face of more trauma, transition, and loss than most of us could imagine.  They have offered us much grace as we sometimes, in our efforts to heal, unintentionally cause more pain or damage.  Sometimes it feels like trying to navigate a mine field.  They are working their tail ends off to catch up at school.  They are trying so hard to meet a whole new world of expectations.  They have courageously opened their hearts to our friends and church family.  They are fighting with all their might to connect and attach, though I know this is terrifying for them.  And with every passing day, I see more and more glimpses of what is to come.  And I know. I KNOW.  He is making beauty from ashes.  That what He rebuilds will bring more joy and purpose and glorify Him beyond anything we could have constructed on our own.  But some days are hard.  And I am struggling with the hard.

I miss easy.   I miss comfortable.  I miss natural intimacy and relationship.  I miss not having to fight so hard for joy.  And I am ashamed at how spoiled I am. How easily I allow my joy to be stolen and how shallow my gratitude really is.

But in the quiet moments, when my heart is stripped bare before the Lord, hands open and empty, I have heard Him ask. . .do I love him enough to hate even my family in comparison?  Will I give up even the thing I so struggle to hold loosely.   What's more, do I really trust Him?  Do I believe,  really believe that He is able to make something even more beautiful than I could ever ask or imagine?   That perhaps what I thought was so good was only a dim shadow, only the tiniest hint, of the joy and grace that He wants to work in my life.  And in those quiet moments, the answer is, "Yes!"  In those moments that I glimpse the beauty and the good He is starting to work, I trust it with every ounce of me.  And I am praying for the sanity  maturity to know this in every other manic moment as well.  And in the mean time?  I'll stand on grace.