Not Negotiable

"It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength."

 Maya Angelou

One of the first things you are asked to consider as you go through adoptive training is what types of children you are willing to foster and/or adopt.  This is a difficult, but absolutely vital, conversation. When the call comes from your agency, you don't have the luxury of days or even hours to mull over the decision and these issues need to have already been wrestled through.

What ages are you comfortable with?  Infants?  Toddlers?  Teens?  What about babies who are born addicted to crack or heroine?   Will you welcome into your home children who are medically fragile? What about children on the autism spectrum or children who have been victims of sexual abuse?  Are you willing to take a sibling group so that they can remain together, and if so, how many?

I will be honest and say that, in light of all of these questions, for us personally,"Would you adopt a child of a different race?" was not really even a blip on the radar.  It probably should have been.  Despite already having two biological, mixed race children, transracial adoption has brought joy, insight, and beauty into our family as well as some very real challenges.  That is not to say I might reconsider the path we have taken - in fact, quite the opposite.  The gifts have far outweighed the struggles!  But as is always the case, had we done a little less romanticizing and made an effort to understand other perspectives in this conversation, I think we could have been more prepared for the road in front of us.

Even same race adoption is very hard on adopted kids from a cultural perspective.  You add to this the large cultural differences between families of different races and for the sake of our children we must be willing to acknowledge and talk about the significant loss and struggles that come when they are ripped from all that is culturally familiar to them.  This cultural gap is challenging for the adoptive family as well.  Here is a quote from a much earlier blog, The Rhythm of Trust:

      "We've discovered something interesting about families:  we each have our own family culture.
      You know, all of those things that make your family 'home' for you.  Foods we like to eat, games
      we like to play, t.v. shows we like to watch together.  For the most part, we laugh at the same kind
      of humor, enjoy many of the same activities and just. . .get each other.  I hadn't considered what it
      might be like for cultures to collide when we added four new people, with their own rhythms and
      and culture - not even taking into account the genuine cultural differences that are inherent in 
      transracial fostering/adoption.  The realization that we would need to let go of some of that 
      culture to make space for God to build something new, and the letting go?  It's hard."

I realize now, with more than a little shame, that in large part I simply expected our children to adapt to us and our culture.  How incredibly short sighted and selfish!  The honest truth is that is has been painful to let go of what was familiar to me to allow for the new.  I can only begin to imagine that grief for them.

But here is the other side of the coin - the new is beautiful.  It is rich and diverse and full of stretching and growing.  I adore the lovely hodgepodge that makes up our family.  What a beautiful picture of the Gospel and of reconciliation.  Our family is a vivid illustration of the Creator's love for diversity -- so apparent in the beautiful medley of the one human race, made in His very Image.

     "For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. . . There is neither Jew nor Greek,
      there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
                                                                                                                                     Galatians 3:26-28

There is so much more to this conversation.  So much to be said for being intentional about keeping adopted kids connected to their own cultures, and if possible, even to their birth families.  (We intend to write more on that next week).

As of late race, a topic we are very comfortable discussing, has become an even more prevalent conversation around our table.  The intense media coverage of race related violence, Black Lives Matter, and all of the racially charged conversation swirling around the upcoming election have made this a necessity in a family that looks like ours.  I am choosing not to dive into those topics here because there have been so many who have addressed them more thoroughly and thoughtfully than I could hope to do.

I do however want to leave this on the table:   Whatever form this takes in your life, the work of truly reconciling with our brothers and sisters who look, think, act, talk, play, and live differently can seem overwhelming.  Sometimes it seems impossible.  But if you belong to Jesus, not only is it possible.  It.  Is.  Not. Negotiable.   For those of us who have chosen to submit our lives to the Lordship of Christ, the act of loving one another -- and doing it well -- it's not up for discussion.   It does not matter how difficult the conversation, how polarized the politics, or how racially charged the atmosphere. We keep trying.  We keep listening in humility, slow to speak and slow to become angry. We understand that we cannot make things right with God until we are willing to leave our gift at the altar to go make things right with our brother and sister.  We keep laying down our lives as Christ laid down His life for us.  If the Church would genuinely give itself over to this kind of work, can you imagine the impact we would make in our culture?

As always, I am so thankful to Sammy for sharing her honest and insightful perspective on a tough topic.  This blog has offered us some incredible opportunities for stretching and conversation that might not otherwise take place.  Thank you for taking this journey with us!

From Sammy:

Do you think this is a hard topic to talk about?
Yes, because I don't want to offend anyone or give them the wrong idea.  That maybe, "She doesn't like white people." or something.  

Do you think it's an important topic?  
I think it's important because I want people to know that you don't have to be the same color to be a part of a family.  It doesn't matter what your skin color is, you're still part of that family.  At the same time it makes a difference.  It can be an obstacle to feeling like a part of the family

I think it's important to talk about with all the stuff that's going on...the Black Lives Matter...all the racism.

Do you have any idea how many of your placements were with black families and how many were with white ones? 
There were 4 black families, 2 of them were my biological family, and the rest (about 23 others) were with white families.

When you first met us, you told me you were expecting us to be black.  What were your thoughts the first time we met and you realized you might be adopted by a white family?   Honestly?  I thought that ya'll were just taking some black kids to get some attention.  I thought you were rich.  Then the first time I got really mad at you guys. we were at Grandma's and I laid down in the middle of the road and you said you wouldn't give up on me because we chose you as part of our family, or something like that.  Usually when something like that happened they would call my agency and have me go somewhere else.  We went home and I packed all of  my stuff because I thought you would do the same thing as my other foster parents and have me leave.  But you didn't and I thought, "Oh, they actually want me here."

Did you believe we wanted you from that point on?  
Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't.  When I did good I thought ya'll wanted me.  Then when I messed up I thought you didn't want me.  I still feel that way sometimes. 

What do you think are some of the down sides to interracial adoption?
The first time I met your whole (extended) family I felt like they might think, "Why did they adopt these black kids?"   I felt like they talked about us when we weren't around.  I felt on the outside and like I didn't fit.

I felt, sometimes I still feel, like I was judged by other white people when our family all went somewhere together.  When we first went to church it felt like everyone was looking at us because we were the only black people there.  

It used to be hard for me to constantly explain to my friends that I am adopted and my parents are white.  It forced me to talk about the adoption, which I hated.   It doesn't bother me as much anymore because I've talked about it so many times that it just feels normal.

It seems like you guys (biological family) click more and I miss being with my family who gets me because they are black.  I miss the soul food (laughing)  I do!

I think it's harder to fit in because I come from a whole different culture.  We have to work harder (to connect) because we are so different.

What do you think are some of the positives of interracial adoption?

Other people get a chance to see that you are not just a skin color.  I feel like families like ours can be an example to other people.  Even though we are different and we are not perfect, we struggle but we stick through it and get through it as a family.  We don't let it define us.  

Even though it's hard that we are so different as a family it's cool to be so different too.   We are a little bit of each . . .black, white, mixed. . . it's cool to go out and people ask, "Are you guys friends?"  And we're like,  "No, we're a family."  It's funny to see people's reaction when they ask my parents, "Are these all your kids?"   People are like wow!

I like that we all have different personalities and it's fun that we are different and have different views even thought that makes it hard sometimes.

What advice would you give to someone who is adopting a child of a different race?

Don't let the child's skin color define who they are.  Love them anyway.   If you don't know anything about your child's culture you should take the time to learn about it and understand it.  

Some people think that white people should not adopt black kids and vice versa.  What do you think about that?  
I think it doesn't matter as long as the kid is happy.  It shouldn't matter if they are white or black or Asian.  If the kid is happy then it shouldn't matter.  A family can love a kid that is a different color.

*****This blog is a part of a series that my 17 year old daughter Sammy and I are writing together.  The blogs are a window into some of the greatest joys and most difficult challenges we have navigated on the adoptive journey.  

Sammy's words in this blog are her own!  I have helped her clean up some of the grammar for the sake of clarity and asked questions to help her flesh out her story but the vernacular and vocabulary are hers and hers alone.  I have added a few parenthetical statements of my own for clarification. These are the pieces she is bravely choosing to share that someone else might be encouraged, challenged, or moved by her story.   The first blog in the series can be found here.***