The Rhythm of Trust

What a wild ride.  I have always been a bit over the top.  A bit given to emotional swings.  I call it passionate.  Some might call it manic.  I laugh loud.  I play loud.  I get mad loud.  My husband will tell you this is NOT an overstatement.  I have a favorite everything!  Things tend to either be amazing, or awful and I rarely feel anything in between.

There are many things I love about my passionate personality.  I tend to be absurdly impulsive deeply motivated to act when I become convicted or excited about something.  I am fiercely loyal and I feel things- frustration, love, anger, joy, sorrow- bone and soul deep, which for the most part, I consider a good thing.

Oh but there are times, and this is one of them, that I long for a more steady, even keel personality.

I have never been so overwhelmed in my life.  Or so lonely.  You know, the kind of lonely where you are in a crowd full of people and still feel completely alone. The dumb, self pitying, no one else knows what this is like, kind of alone.  But there it is.  Here I am.  The frustrating thing is that so much of the isolation is self imposed.  And I know this.  I am surrounded by people who love me, and who love Jesus, and who I know would probably give me a kidney (don't hate - I have some good community around me) if I needed it. What is it about struggle that tempts us to disengage from the community that we so desperately need and  then taunts us with the lie that we are alone?

Right now, the roller coaster is stalled in a place I don't love:  mourning what has been lost.  I've discovered something interesting about families.  We each have our own family culture.  You know, all of those things that make your family 'home' for you.  Foods we all like to eat, games we like to play, t.v. shows we like to watch together.  There is this comfortable rhythm that comes from having spent most of our lives together.  For the most part we laugh at the same kind of humor, enjoy many of the same activities and just get each other.  I hadn't considered what it might be like for cultures to collide when we added four new people, with their own rhythms and culture - not even taking into account the genuine cultural differences that are inherent in trans-racial fostering/adoption.  The realization that we would need to let go of some of that culture to make space for God to build something new, and the letting go?  It's hard.

This is all so difficult to communicate.  We are asked regularly how the kiddos are doing, how we  are doing.  And the truth really is they are doing GREAT!  Over and over again we have been humbled and amazed by the determination and resilience these kids have exhibited in the face of more trauma, transition, and loss than most of us could imagine.  They have offered us much grace as we sometimes, in our efforts to heal, unintentionally cause more pain or damage.  Sometimes it feels like trying to navigate a mine field.  They are working their tail ends off to catch up at school.  They are trying so hard to meet a whole new world of expectations.  They have courageously opened their hearts to our friends and church family.  They are fighting with all their might to connect and attach, though I know this is terrifying for them.  And with every passing day, I see more and more glimpses of what is to come.  And I know. I KNOW.  He is making beauty from ashes.  That what He rebuilds will bring more joy and purpose and glorify Him beyond anything we could have constructed on our own.  But some days are hard.  And I am struggling with the hard.

I miss easy.   I miss comfortable.  I miss natural intimacy and relationship.  I miss not having to fight so hard for joy.  And I am ashamed at how spoiled I am. How easily I allow my joy to be stolen and how shallow my gratitude really is.

But in the quiet moments, when my heart is stripped bare before the Lord, hands open and empty, I have heard Him ask. . .do I love him enough to hate even my family in comparison?  Will I give up even the thing I so struggle to hold loosely.   What's more, do I really trust Him?  Do I believe,  really believe that He is able to make something even more beautiful than I could ever ask or imagine?   That perhaps what I thought was so good was only a dim shadow, only the tiniest hint, of the joy and grace that He wants to work in my life.  And in those quiet moments, the answer is, "Yes!"  In those moments that I glimpse the beauty and the good He is starting to work, I trust it with every ounce of me.  And I am praying for the sanity  maturity to know this in every other manic moment as well.  And in the mean time?  I'll stand on grace.

More Than Okay

So I did it.  I drove to the third largest city in the United States and delivered my daughter into the hands of complete strangers who, for the next four years, will have the greatest earthly opportunity to shape and direct her future.

We sweated as we climbed way too many stairs and laughed as the dads struggled to stack and rearrange furniture with too many of us crammed into the tiny, un-airconditioned dorm room.  We drank coffee and marveled over the pretty oasis of a campus nestled in the crowded, urban neighborhood. We ate really, really good Crab Rangoon and Pad Woon Sen from a gem of a dive across the street.

We visited the book store and bought the obligatory college gear.  We listened to convocation speeches and drank more coffee so that we would not fall asleep during said speeches, and sang the NPU alma mater.  We concluded the evening with a picnic dinner and worship service designed to turn already emotional parents into certified basket cases.   And then finally, we did the inevitable.  We hugged last hugs and sniffled last, "I love yous" and took last looks and awkwardly said our, "See you laters." And I did okay.  I really did.

Because I know she's going to be okay.  More than okay.  This was always the goal and even though I never will be, she is so ready.

Tucked into a small chest I left her this letter.

Ladybug,

So, I am sitting here staring at a blank screen and everything I try to write doesn’t come close to communicating all that I want to say, or sounds so very trite.  You know, “How did we get here so quickly?” and “Where did the time go?”

But really?  Where? 

I know we have joked much about me not having an emotional breakdown, but now that the moment has actually arrived, I am not so sure.  I hope you’ll indulge me. 

It’s been true. . .sending you off on the greatest adventure of your life really hasn’t been as hard as I expected, mostly because I am utterly and completely blown away by the woman you are in Christ.  When you know that your daughter’s heart desires God’s glory above her own there is confidence in her ability to choose well.  When your child is compassionate and kind and broken hearted for a sin-sick world, you can trust she will live a life of service that will bring her joy and purpose.  When your daughter is more in love with Jesus than all the trappings of the world, you know that her life will be filled with contentment and happiness that all the money in the world could never buy.   And K, I know this all to be true of you.  You have taught me so much about trusting that God is faithful.  How could I not be overflowing with joy and excitement for the journey ahead?!

Still, I have no doubt that the enemy would love to see you fall into a pit.  Faith like yours is dangerous and he will seek to hinder your effectiveness for Christ any way he can.

He will prey on your insecurity and tell you that you are alone even when you are surrounded by people who love you.  You are NEVER alone!  You have a family who ADORES you beyond expression.  You have an incredible community at Chatham, at Lakeside, and spread around the world.  People who have known you for a year and people who have known you for a lifetime and who have all been just as affected by your amazing heart as me.  Don’t you ever let Satan make you believe that lie for one second.  You are never alone. 

He will try to convince you that people better and smarter than you do not believe in this Christian nonsense.  At some point, you will probably go through this faith crisis and that’s okay!  God has not asked you to suspend rational thought.  Christianity is true.  It can withstand digging and questioning and prying.  Brilliant men and women have been brought to their intellectual knees by the power and truth of the Gospel.  When that time comes, be honest.  Ask questions. Doubt.  Wrestle.  Dig into the Scriptures.  But you fight.  You fight to find the truth, and if you do that, I know that you will ultimately find the Life the Truth and the Way.

He will seek to distract you.  With boys.  With friends.  With work and classes and stress and media and anything else that can make you less effective for the sake of the Gospel.  Be focused.  Live every moment with intention and purpose.  Nothing else is worth abandoning your life for. . .and in doing so you will find Life!  Life that is real, and that overflows into the world around you like streams of living water into the desert. 

He will tempt you to use your gifts for your own glory and gratification.  And you are so gifted, but those talents belong to God alone and they were given to you for one purpose:  to make known the only One worthy of glory.    Worldly recognition and prizes are so much garbage in comparison to the reward of finding your place in the Kingdom and drawing others to the mercy found at the cross.  Nothing else compares!  There is joy and peace and purpose and fulfillment here that can be found nowhere else. 

He will do his very best to tailor make a pit designed just for you.  I want you to be aware and guarded.  But so much more than that I want you to be confident and secure because You belong to the One who has orchestrated every moment of your life to bring you to this place at this moment in time.  Dream big!  He has a plan beyond anything you could ask or imagine and you are standing on the edge of that cliff.  Ready, set. . .jump with abandon!

There has been NO greater joy in my life than to watch who you are becoming in Christ.  That feeling grows for me with every new adventure you take.    As I think about you leaving it truly does feel as though my heart could break.  But I have such confidence in your ability to navigate this next part of the journey and I am filled with such joyful anticipation when I think about your future that the sorrow is nearly swept away.  Nearly.  Your dad is going to have to endure some tearful moments from me, I think over the next days.  Maybe weeks. 

When you are overwhelmed, Home is always here.  I will be there in the blink of an eye if you need me.  When life gets too heavy or serious, pop in Gilmore Girls and watch the episode where Kirk does the freaky, interpretive dance.  Bahahahah. . .Remember the one?!  I am only ever a phone call or a train ride away and I will be praying for you with every ounce of strength I possess.  As much as I want to hold onto you, you don’t really belong to me.  You are His alone.  When everything else in life changes, that truth will remain.  Abide in it.  Abide in Him..

I love you.

Mom

It Is Good

How can this be possible?  I am thinking all of the things that old people say.  With every year, the days go faster.  Perhaps Having 9 people under one roof can make things spin a little faster out of control too.

How can so much change in a year?

In 4 days, I will get in a car and drive my eldest to Chicago, move her into a dorm room, and turn around and leave her there.  By herself.  To live.  I will drive away and she will stay.  How is this possible?  And how is it possible to all at once feel such a clanging storm of joy and sorrow, anticipation and dread.  I am so genuinely take-my-breath-away excited for her, but I am so selfishly sad for me. Poll for you parents who have been here. . . how much is too much to call that first week? Is there a way to block my number so she doesn't know it's me for the third time that first day?

Ummmm.......

What the heck just happened?

Also. . .this:

The Beast

This happened.  Move over soccer moms with the minivans, there's something meatier.  My nephew lovingly dubbed our new crew the 'expand-a-family' and with it there was apparently need of an extend-a-van.  I am  not sure what this thing says about our desire to live simply, but 9 Daniels can all travel together in one vehicle with room to spare.  And it's good.  Every, crazy, loud, fun, hard, scary, sad, joy-filled minute is grace.  And it is good.

10 Things You Should Know About Me

To my 500 and some closest friends on Facebook. . .there is something I need to tell you. Some things I need to get off my chest. I have been living a lie. For those of you who look at my pretty, instagrammed pictures, carefully worded statuses and the very selective bits of my life that I have chosen share, you have been deceived! Contrary to what I seem to want everyone to believe, I am a hot mess, and for some reason today I feel the need to purge. So here are 10 things you should know about me:

1. I am the world's worst communicator. Okay, so this one won't come as a shock to all of you who know me well. I am horrible at answering my phone (or even knowing where it is most of the time), returning messages or texts and keeping in touch. I hate phones and email and voice mail and gah! I am just terrible at this!

2. I am horrible at finding balance in my life. Again, shocked anyone? I either obsess about everything and insist that it is perfect or I give up completely and abandon all efforts. My house tends to either be spotless or a complete pit. There is no in between. I am either on top of the world or ready to throw myself in front of a bus. This makes me so much fun to live with. Seriously. Ask my kids.

3. I don't sort my laundry. None of it. Jeans, whites, brights, towels, delicates - they all go into one merry load. And I seriously cannot remember last time I ironed anything. I don't even know if I still have an iron. Bliss.

4. Nothing in my house stays organized for longer than 2 seconds. I try. Really I do. I drool over pictures of beautifully arranged linen closets and laundry rooms on Pinterest. I spend hours putting everything in bins and baskets and alphabetizing spice racks. And somewhere, someone hits a reset button and it all just reverts back to chaos.

5. My car and van are always a mess. A gross, disgusting, embarrassing mess.

6. I am terrible at praying. This one is hard. I so want to be good at this, faithful in this. When I tell someone I will pray for them, I want to spend real time before the Father - lifting them up and pouring myself out on their behalf. Most of the time I end up uttering a guilty, quick one-liner because the truth is I have forgotten and just not made the time. When others say that they have been praying for their children's future spouses since the day they were born, my stomach knots up with guilt. I have not prayed for my husband or my kids with anything close to that kind of faithfulness.

7. We have never successfully done regular, family devotions. We try really hard to talk about God and His unending love for us - "when we are at home or driving down the road. When we lay down at night and get up in the morning." All the time we hope that our lives and conversations are seasoned with authentic discussions, praise, learning and challenging each other regarding the Scriptures. But we have tried what seems like a hundred different formats and books only to ultimately peter out or give up on every form of organized, regular family devotions.

8. I throw world class temper tantrums. Seriously. Ones that could shame the fiercest 2 year old.

9. I hate field trips. And class parties. And school activities. I have never baked my kids a home made birthday cake or been in the PTO and I avoid chaperoning anything like the plague. I love my kids. Really! But I am so bad at this part of being a mom.

10. His grace is sufficient for me. This is the one I'm going to choose to remember today.

Bowing Out

This year, we've decided we're bowing out of the madness.  We've talked about it for years, but are finally choosing to try simplicity.  I read this idea last year, or maybe the year before, and fell in love with the heart behind  it. . .so this is the tradition we are going to attempt to implement.  I am just so tired of feeling frazzled and crazy and bloated and lethargic from over-stuffing my life with too much stuff and running around with too much to do as if the world were going to fall apart if I slow down long enough to breathe.  Self - the heart of all of it and always the idol usurping the throne from the only King worthy of my adoration, my worship, my life.

Again, I read this somewhere (wish I could remember where and give the credit) so don't think was creative enough to come up with this on my own!  I am terrible at creativity. . .but fabulous at copying other people's great ideas!  :)  Three gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh

If Christ Himself was worthy of three gifts, surely we don't need more than that?   I also like the idea of meditating on the purposes of the gifts.  Gold is obvious, but the other two seem strange and foreign to me.  I have older kids, so finding relevant, non-cheesey ways to reflect on these might be a little more challenging, but even for myself, worth it!

Myrrh was incredibly valuable in Jesus' day.  It was used as an annointing/embalming oil for the dead, it had many medicinal uses and was used in expensive perfumes.  In relationship to gifts, it was used for the body.  So our myrrh gift will be anything useful to the body - clothes, perfume, etc.

Frankincense was burned in Jewish worship rituals and symbolized prayers rising to heaven.

"Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all the saints, on the golden altar before the throne.  The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of the saints, went up before God from the angel’s hand."  Revelation 8:3,4

"Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing in the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders. He had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth. 7He came and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne. 8And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints."  Revelation 5:6-8

Love these verses and the picture of our prayers rising to the throne like incense.  Our Frankincense gift will be anything that can encourage, build up, bless the kids spiritually.  I am excited about looking for ways to be creative with this!

Lastly, the Gold gift.  Gold was simply extravagant.   A gift for a King.  This is the chance to be generous.  One gift that will just bless.  Something precious, wanted, dear.

SO that's it, 3 gifts.  Our effort to simplify.  To get rid of the pressure to have 8,000 gifts under the tree and simply enjoy the celebration of the only One truly worthy of our worship.     What are you doing this year to magnify Christ?  Would love to hear your ideas!!!

Lord I believe! Help my unbelief!

It seems like as soon as we made public our intent to become foster parents, everyone we talk to had a story.    A story about how someone they know fostered a 4 year old child who tried to murder them in their sleep.  Or how they took in a struggling teen who stole their debit card and cleaned out their bank account.  Or how their case worker yanked them around and the system failed and they would never put themselves through that again.   And if they don’t have a story, they certainly have an admonition for us to protect our family and lock up our valuables, their tone often shaded with perplexity and sometimes even disapproval.

I really do understand where those well meaning and concerned are coming from.  I really do understand that most hearts intend only to caution and speak wisdom and balance.  The thing is, when did our goal become easy?  When did our Lord call us to comfortable or safe?  When did picking up our cross and laying down our life become a sterilized metaphor for avoiding rated R movies and being nice to the person who sits next to us at church? 

      "This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.  If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?  Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."  I John 3:16-18

Lay down our lives. . .love. . .with actions and in truth.  Working this out, what this looks like for each of us is different.  But Scripture is absolutely, unwaveringly clear.  It. Will. Not. Always. Be. Easy.  Or comfortable.  Or safe.  It will cost us everything - our lives.  But here is the glorious mystery.  "Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

We know as we begin this journey toward fostering and adoption, that there are no promises.  We have no romanticized expectations.  We are not demanding a happily ever after before the story is even begun.  We understand that it will be hard and overwhelming and frustrating.  We have no doubt that we will struggle and flounder and fail more often than we succeed.  We get that loving and committing to kids who have been through more than most of us could even fathom is going to require farm more heart and compassion and wisdom than we possess.

But we also know this:  His grace is sufficient for us, for His power is made perfect in weakness (I Corinthians 2:19).  We know that though our flesh and our heart may fail, God alone is our strength and portion forever (Psalm 73:26) and He will work every moment of our lives together for His good purposes (Romans 8:28).  We know that the compassion and and love and wisdom we need will come not from our own broken and insufficient hearts but from the Father of lights from whom all good and perfect gifts come, and who gives wisdom generously to anyone who asks and without finding fault (James 1:5, 17)

We know that in the faces of broken children we will see Christ Himself.  We trust that in loving them, we are loving Him.  We desperately hope that seeds will be planted and that the only One who is capable of making good things grow will produce beautiful fruit for His glory.  We believe that in laying down our lives, we will find Life.

Some days I am so incredibly filled with expectation and anticipation and joy for the journey.  Some days I take nothing captive and I turn the words of caution and warning over and over in my head. The ones about the failures and the scary and the hard and I exchange all of that peace and joy for anxiety and doubt.  But I am praying.  I so desperately desire to ask believing, without doubt, not double minded or unstable, blown and tossed by the wind but with a steadfast mind, kept in perfect peace because I trust in the One who alone is worthy of my trust.  And when I falter - Lord I do believe!  Help my unbelief!  And oh friend, He is faithful!

Lord, you are going to have to show me!

“Lord you are going to have to show me!”  222 pages of children waiting for a family on the “Adopt US” webpage:  children in the United States who have no family.  Children who live in a world where no one wants them.  Children who have next to no chance at a stable, permanent home where they can rest in the security and unconditional love of a family of their own.  That many orphans in this country, under our ‘roof’, within easy reach of the church.  And there are hundreds of thousands more  languishing in foster care.   Many of these children will bounce from home to home, never knowing the security and love that their devastated hearts long for. 

In the U.S. 423,000 children are living without permanent families 
in the foster care system.  115,000 of these children are eligible for adoption, but nearly 40% of these children will wait over three years in foster care before being adopted.

Over 65,000 children in foster care in the U.S. are placed in institutions

or group homes, not in traditional foster homes.

Neglect was reported for 54% of all children entering foster care

by their parent or primary caregiver.  Parental substance abuse was a circumstance present for 28% of the children entering care.      

States spent a mere 1.2-1.3% of available federal funds

on parent recruitment and training services even though 22% of children in foster care had adoption as their goal.

“²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Lord, you are going to have to show me.  As I scroll through page after page of listings of orphans in this country, I am swallowed up by the need.   I do not know how to choose a child from this sea of children.  Biography after biography with pictures of sweet little faces and big, brave smiles.  Kids without a family who will take them and love them and call them their own.  If I am entirely honest, I am terrified of choosing any child.  I am terrified of what it might mean for our family and the way it might turn our easy, well- managed, neat and convenient into hard, chaotic, messy and uncomfortable.    But I know.  I know this is what He has called us to.  We have all felt it. . .every one of us, separately and together.  For nearly ten years I have argued with Him, reasoned with Him, alternately ignored and wrestled with Him.  No more.  It is time for obedience. 

 5A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,

is God in his holy dwelling.

6God sets the lonely in families,^b

Psalm 68: 5-6