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| Off to get coffee and write a blog! |
We are very selective when we talk about adoption. We like to talk about the beauty and redemption inherent in successful adoptions. We like to talk about the believer's call to care for orphans. We love to talk about adoption as a powerful illustration of the Gospel - in fact Scripture draws this parallel
in Romans 8:15-17.
While each of those statements are beautifully true, the problem is this --- those true statements are only part of the whole and as long as we remain selective in our conversation we create a very dangerous, romanticized view of adoption which has significant consequence in both the lives of adoptees as well as the families who choose this path. There are many reasons that we must resist the temptation to romanticize adoption by remaining silent about the deep pain that accompanies this journey. Here are just a few:
1. Pain is not our enemy: We live in a society that avoids discomfort at all costs. Physically, emotionally, psychologically...we have completely lost sight of a very important truth: pain is not an enemy, but an incredibly valuable alarm system. Without pain, we have no idea when something is wrong. Pain is a messenger that tells us to pay attention --- to stop and assess before further damage is done. When we ignore pain or deaden it with medication, we risk further injury. It is much more difficult to find it's root and work toward healing the cause rather than simply treating the symptoms. When we refuse to acknowledge and talk openly about the pain and loss that always precipitates adoption, we rob our children of the freedom to express grief over that loss and grief is an absolutely vital part of the healing process. Adoption should be painful. The rending of a family that God Himself knit together should be painful. This pain should sound a glaring alarm for us as the Body of Christ! God created families to be permanent and we should seek with all of our might to keep families together first. And when this is impossible, we should grieve deeply alongside of the precious children who become collateral damage in the wake of sin or tragedy.
2. A romanticized view of adoption sets adoptive parents up for failure.
I understand the dilemma. How much do we share? And how do we share openly and truthfully, without turning someone away from this path when what is desperately needed is for the church to step up and DO SOMETHING! There are tens of thousands of children in THIS COUNTRY --- one of the wealthiest and most privileged in the world --- waiting for an adoptive family. Waiting for someone to step up to the plate and answer the call. Waiting for someone to say, "I choose you." Each year, approximately 20,000 children in the U.S. will age out of the system. I deeply understand the dilemma. I want to beg people to run toward this call. To lay down their own life and choose the life of a hurting child. The temptation to whitewash the challenges and pain, that are so closely intertwined with the joys and triumphs, is great.
It is also dangerous. The realities of walking alongside children who have suffered so much at such a young age can be devastating. Parents who are considering coming alongside children from such hard places must be better equipped for the challenges. How in the world can we prepare for a battlefield when we have no idea what is coming?!
When we romanticize adoption, the Church has no idea how desperately we need her to come alongside of us. This call is too big for any one of us. Our kids need a village to step into their lives to speak grace and love and truth. We, as adoptive parents, need rest and reprieve from the day in day out of this difficult walk. I need other believers to sit in the muck with me and simply grieve the damage that sin and tragedy have wrought in the lives of my kid's and, by proxy, my heart.
3. When we avoid the reality of grief, pain, and loss as an inherent part of the adoption story, we diminish the Gospel.
Sin causes tremendous separation and damage. It wreaks havoc on our world and in our lives. But this is the absolute power and beauty of the Gospel! To quote from an author we are reading in our Sunday night study at church:
"Christianity, unlike any other religion in the world, begins with catastrophe and defeat. Sunshine religions and psychological inspirations collapse in calamity and wither in adversity. But the Life of the Founder of Christianity, having begun with the Cross, ends with the empty tomb and victory."
~Bishop Fulton Sheen
This is hope! This is the grace and redemption of the Gospel...of Jesus Himself! To deny the pain and challenge is to cheapen the beauty of the Gospel and it's power to redeem and triumph over even the most vicious schemes of the Enemy. What begins in catastrophe and defeat is, in Christ, resurrected to power and victory!
In light of this, I asked Sammy to speak into some of the challenges over the course of the coming weeks:
Do you think it is important that adopted kids have the freedom to talk about the pain they have experienced and do you feel free to talk about your feelings about foster care and adoption?
Sammy: I agree that's really important. I feel like I have that freedom but I usually don't express myself because I don't think people will understand. Sometimes I believe I can work through them by myself. My heart feels like that's true but my mind knows that it's not.
Sometimes I think if I ask for help, I will be judged for it.
What are some of the things you do to avoid emotional pain:
Sammy: I try not to think about it, shut everybody out. I've spent a lot of years doing everything possible to avoid talking and thinking about the adoption and foster care. I just push it to the back of my mind and don't think about it because I know if I think about it, I will have an emotional breakdown.
The problem with avoiding the pain is that the more you avoid it the more pain it causes and the more I get frustrated by it.
Do you think you're making progress in talking about your past?
Sammy: I can talk about it without getting as emotional as I used to. I don't like when I don't have control over emotions. I feel as I get older I can think about things more and not just act on impulse. The more I think about the things I went through, the more I realize I don't want to be 21 and still have all these problems I haven't worked through. I feel like I have the resources and I might as well use them instead of trying to keep it all to myself because in the end that doesn't work.
Overall do you think adoption is a good thing?
Sammy: I wouldn't say it is a bad thing or a good thing. It depends on the people you're with. Some foster parents are bad and some are the kind you need to be around.
What are the best parts of adoption?
Sammy: There are a lot more resources and people willing to help you. You can stay in a good school and better environment than you were. You know there are people who are willing to help you and want to see you succeed and will do everything they can to help you.
What are the worst parts of adoption?
Sammy: Even though you're happy that you're in a good foster home there is still a part of you that just wants to go back to your mom and home. When you feel happy you feel like you're betraying your biological parents. . .they might think you don't want to come home. It feels exhausting all the time to feel like if I'm too happy here, my mom might get mad.
You feel like you have to compete with their biological kids and live up to those expectations
It's just so confusing. You want this to be your new family and feel like you have someone to count on but but then at the same time I just really want to be home with my mom.
I am so thankful for Sammy's willingness to express her heart here. Please continue to pray for us! The enemy is not happy about the progress this beautiful girl is making and would love to see her fail! We are so encouraged by the initial responses to this blog! Thank you for coming with us on this crazy journey!
Sammy's words in this blog are her own! I have helped her clean up some of the grammar for the sake of clarity and asked questions to help her flesh out her story but the vernacular and vocabulary are hers and hers alone. I have added a few parenthetical statements of my own for clarification. These are the pieces she is bravely choosing to share that someone else might be encouraged, challenged, or moved by her story. The first blog in the series can be found here.***
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